Tales from a Trailmon
Earnestly searching for answers on the Anime express. Darkangemon, the psychotically challenged Digi-Angel, stumbles across the wrong compartment, a new frontier and an amazingly predictable universe. Now when do we eat?
Writer's note: In this column I do a lot of what I did before: point out stupid things that happen in Anime. This time, however, Pokémon only gets a passing mention as I'm going after the big fish.
I've been busy writing this article for nearly a month now, frenetically removing all the boring and irritating jargon that creeps in under the doors of my mind. Every time it nears completion I look it over, realise that it looks pathetic, and tear it apart, into a mess of gibberish with no meaning whatsoever. Maybe I've been working too hard on Darkening of Dusk, maybe school is interfering with my razor-like mind (having a Davis moment here), or maybe, perhaps, maybe the almost limitless vials of sarcasm have finally been depleted? NAH.
So I'll give you a penny for your thoughts.
I was watching TV about a week ago, I guess. You know, flipping mindlessly between the channels, letting my brain rot (there are only five so it doesn't take long at all to do), when I discovered BeyBlade again, and being in a state somewhere between school and a coma, I let it play past the opening credits. Heck, it wasn't Digimon but it had some semblances of a plot and despite myself I couldn't indulge in my favourite fantasy of having my winged alter ego come at the main characters with a large crowbar (that and an ultimate Digimon versus some weenie little top isn't a battle it's just silly). (JA comments: Go Beyblade!)
I then enjoyed an episode of Pokémon, which seemed strangely familiar at the time. I later realised that this was because they were screening Johto Journeys for a THIRD time. While this error would be acceptable if it were Digimon, Pokémon seems a little old after the second showing (which as I've said before doesn't mean you've seen this particular episode). (JA comments again: I wouldn't mind seeing Johto Journeys a third time. Heck, I wouldn't mind seeing it once, I missed most of it when it was on.) Then after much deliberation (flipped a coin), I watched Dragon Ball Z. (The sky darkens; Darkangemon ducks expecting the sting of a lightsaber from Jedi Amara). (Jedi_Amara whacks Darkangemon over the head with a frying pan.)
Yes, that's right folks! I watched an entire episode of Dragon Ball Z without doing major damage to my lounge or myself (Sparky, however, did suffer some pain the next day). But don't worry, I still hate it with the passion of a thousand suns. It was only journalistic curiosity, plus the fact that WK Graham and CyberAngemon forced me to. But while watching it I attained this great enlightenment - "Dude, if I wrote like this I'd have a single digit IQ". And so to share this enlightenment with you, the Reader. I give you:
DARKANGEMON'S SUMMARY OF ANY DBZ SEASON
Just fill in this simple form, and see that there is no reason to continue watching DBZ. Or use it as a guide to skip ahead. Again I only support the former.
(Insert lead character here) is warned of some immense threat that will destroy (Insert planet here) in a few years and the only way they can defeat it is by training very hard.
Audience report: falling asleep.
A few episodes are used to have domestic quarrels usually to do with some unimportant idiots.
Audience report: somewhere between sleep and brain death.
(Insert Villain here) shows up and kills (Insert minor character here) while laughing and announcing his plan to rule the universe (Real original eh). King Kai says that this opponent is unbeatable.
Audience report: Drifting off very quickly.
(Insert Villain here) is attacked by (Insert semi important character here) and after a battle lasting up to a week (Insert Villain here) wins. The most frequently used dialogue is "It can't be" or "He's so strong" plus of course "Arg", "urf" and "yah". These are all done while fighting, just to keep the audience from falling asleep again (I am also pretty sure they pay the voice crew less for spouting the same dumb dialogue for six odd years). (Insert Villain here) kills or puts out of action (Insert semi-important character here).
Audience report: brains rapidly pouring out of their ears.
(Insert villain here) reveals that he's not the strongest enemy they have to face.
Audience report: unknown (writer has drifted off himself).
(Insert Go-Something here) finishes training and begins a long drawn out battle with (Insert Villain here). This battle is usually about a month long and involves a large amount of kicking and punching and saying "Ka May Ah May Ah" (maybe this has something to do with the fact that they're all blonde and can't remember anything more stimulating than a series of stupid syllables).
Audience report: drooling from side of mouth while snoring heavily.
(Insert Go-Something here) is winning when (Insert Villain here) uses some final attack that will destroy (Insert planet here). (Insert Go-Something here) unleashes some final attack that destroys his opponent totally ending (Insert Villain here)'s evil reign.
(Insert semi important character here) uses the Dragon Balls to revive (Insert semi important character here) who was an idiot and got killed during the unbearably long fight.
Season ends with everyone feeling happy except those people who watched it without being on short-term memory loss medication.
Congratulations! You have just won an Impmon for wasting three to four full days of your life on something I summarised in just 400 words. Consider, there are 50 episodes in a saga, give or take. You do the maths.